out-housing market appears to be strong
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
tfw you realize …
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.