out-housing market appears to be strong
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs