out-housing market appears to be strong
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saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress