Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊