Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
weddings should have a worst man
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.