[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
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i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC