before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant