@pakalupapito

out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.

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@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

@Tbone7219

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

@Sassafrantz

Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.

@astonoha

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

@karanbirtinna

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.