@pakalupapito

out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.

You Might Also Like

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@TheBoydP

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

@Quartzjixler

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

@RunOldMan

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

@Gupton68

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

@maurajbg

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.