out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.

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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.


Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t


A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.


To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.


Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.


I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet


I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.


Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.