Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I can’t deal with men any longer
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching