Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.