Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Worst bar ever.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

live long and prosper!

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?