Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy