Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks