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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
me after i passed that state trooper
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.