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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula