Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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this is what they would have looked like, though
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman