Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.