Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

LOL

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus