@FartInASkillet: Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I've decided it's basically cyber-hoarding...
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@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@ArfMeasures: ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
@Wine_Charmer: [lying in front of the fire] 11: Do you think she's asleep or dead? 9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me* Me: *screams* 9: Asleep
@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.