Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!