Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.
*unzips hoodie to reveal an even more seductive hoodie*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.