@FartInASkillet

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

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@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@AnniemuMary

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

@Tmoney68

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

@VaDawn13

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.