Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
He instantly became one of the bros
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
work smarter, not harder
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
it takes so much energy
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.