Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”