@SummerRay

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

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@sixfootcandy

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

@TheAndrewNadeau

You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful

@Fickle_Filly

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@AdriannaLaCervx

This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.

@rajaet

There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

@DomesticGoddss

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@RorynotRoy

Here at Nickelodeon, we’re constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child’s head should be shaped like.