Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.
There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Here at Nickelodeon, we’re constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child’s head should be shaped like.