Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I have questions??
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“What movie?” 🤔
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok