Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!