Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Story of my life…..

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea