“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.