“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
You Might Also Like
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”