Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Hot Hot Hot

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.