Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

I don’t know what to do

2023 was just a warmup

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension