Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

no such thing as a dumb question

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I’m putting together a team