out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
