out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
