out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife