Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

🫡

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”