[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that