Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
TODAY
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Ugh but profoundly
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds