Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.