Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.