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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.