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[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?