Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The fall of Netflix
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.