Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
CUTE CAT‼︎