I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
any last words?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?