outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.