outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)