outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
OH. COME. ON.
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Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
This guy gets it.
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The sacred texts.
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HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.