Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous