Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

[shakes fist at other fist]

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet