Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

“and how does that make you feel?”

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

yall want some gasoline milk

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

I never know how much to tip a cow.