[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?