outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
not seeing the problem
That’s easy for you to say
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs