outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Asking the real questions!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda