[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.