(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[shakes fist at other fist]
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up