(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?