(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
welp
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
