Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Pigeon open mic night.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.