Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Why? Just why? 😂

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”