[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

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Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day


If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.


My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.


Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?



HER: I love how we always finish each other’s




HER: Marriages


me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti


To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic


Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific


Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor

Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.


“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.