an octopus is just a wet spider
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor
Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
This hospital has everything
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants