Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Friend: whats wrong
Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific
Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor
Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.