[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.


me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*


Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?


Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves


*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*


Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality


When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants