[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

You Might Also Like


Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another


Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”


If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.


It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.


hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately