@MarfSalvador

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

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@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@Lakelandr

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@Cpin42

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@LostCatDog

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately