[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I ate everything, including the H.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.