Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
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The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t