Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry