Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.