Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

💀💀💀💀

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?