[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Body by sandwich.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…