[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
🤣😂
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
