McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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Yes, I have read ‘Game Of Thrones’.
No, It is not any different from the show.
-Me, after watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Finally achieved… world peas.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.