[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Sounds like a bargain
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Fights fire with marshmallows
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again