Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
who’s gonna tell her?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok