Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

I put the h in mysterious.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.