Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I only say stupid things when I talk.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.